I have hobbled along so far this summer, hard to believe this heart junk started in March and is still going on. I feel like a vampire that got the stake through the heart. It is a tiny bit better the last few days, hope this is a permanent better. Still no one knows if it is lingering results of viral pericarditis or maybe something to do with the rock or bullet or whatever it is that is stuck in the wall of my aorta from the 1970's. Gardening was a total flop, thanks to my worthlessness at anything physical, the heat and the grasshoppers. Even the little bit that I had in tubs succumbed to the heat and the munching jaws. I have tried, with the little energy that I have, to still do some fun stuff with the 5 and the grandkids. We went to Tifton for the state swim meet for Anya. Had to about drag Salvador and Alyona since they don't want to go anywhere or do anything. I almost left them home alone but then came back to my senses. They ended up having a decent time, even cheering for the Habersham team. It was miserably hot and the gnats were big enough to carry you off. Anya came home with a 4th place medal.

We went to Vogel State Park for the weekend. The 2 didn't want to go again. Ordered them to go and they ended up having a good time, even if bears did prowl around the tent both nights. Everybody but Anya played summer soccer and had a good time, even if we were at the field from 6 to 10 two nights a week. Sometimes I feel sorry for my kids..no dad, no man at all that really gives a rip about them. They are just a motley crew of mismatched kids that each have problems that drive the others crazy with an old woman that isn't even their REAL mom. Most of them went through a miserable time before they came to live with me and some of them have had some misery since. I can't blame them for being depressed and mean and lazy and wanting to hole up in the house and play video games. On the other hand, i get so angry and annoyed with them when I try to do fun stuff, get them out of the house, give them some meaningful work and they fight every inch of they way. It wears me out. Sometimes i feel like a lifeguard that is swimming around pushing people up for air and they won't even move their arms around, then going to the next one, and so on, trying to keep them all floating while they lie there and sink again. I am getting better at just doing that, feeding them healthy food, taking them places, pushing them up for air, so to speak, and just keeping on doing it. They may very well float off out of my reach and sink, like a couple of them have so far, and so be it. Those I just pray for and leave with God. These at home, too, I need to leave more in God's hands instead of getting so desperate and feeling like I HAVE to DO something to fix everybody all the time. There are a lot of things I want to do and things I want to do with them and for them. Maybe I want to do to much and that is why God has allowed this heart problem to hang on. I maybe need to let go a little and let God, as they say.

24 hours of Life is Good

I will not attempt any catching up on this blog. Long past it. Doubtful if any faithful followers are disappointed anyway. With all the chaos of the last 6 months or more time seems to have been in some sort of alternative mode. I am 53 now and have been through some things that i never thought i would, even thinking I was on my way to some serious, underground rest til the trumpet sounds with this heart stuff. Finally am feeling a little better in the last 24 hours, for the first time since March. With that and being surrounded by all of my beautiful grandkids yesterday and today, I am almost ready to put that "Life is Good" sticker that Maria brought me from Bonaroo on the van. Not sure I can bring myself to it. God is good, sometimes life is good but so much of it isn't. The vbs theme from last year at Antioch was "Life is Good, Eternal Life is Better". I would like that bumper sticker. I realize that I have always been this "fixer" wanting to make things better, recycle, repair, adopt, change and I look around now and think at times "what was all this for?" Spend thousands, fly them from Russia, feed 'em organic food, scouts, church, camping and they become thieves and drug addicts(some of them..so far), others struggle with things I can't fix, I exercise, eat healthy and get some virus around my heart that well nigh kills me. I am not quitting, and I love so much about my life and this Earth but it is NOT the way it was meant to be and isn't going to get any better soon no matter how much fixing anyone does. Reminds me of standing by the recycle bins at the landfill while the huge trucks roll by loaded with 100 times the plastic, glass and cardboard that I'm unloading from the back of the s10. Coming to terms with the fact that I do what is right without worrying about the results. Sounds stupid and a lot like a waste of time. That's what the Gospel is to a mind that isn't born again and what the devil gets us to thinking even when we are, that if we don't ultimately fix it, we have wasted our time. God will fix it all, not me, not us. We just do what He asks us to do, feed, love, be good stewards of the stuff we can take care of, get up every day and read His word and do it. It's taking a while for it to sink in, I am such a stubborn old bat.....

being unfriended on facebook

Well, I guess blogging is sort of out of fashion now and everything is on facebook. you can only write a little snipit but the whole world is usually watching, at least the thousand or so friends that most people have. I don't have nearly that many, the majority that are not my kids being people who found me and asked to be my friend. It is interesting and I enjoy facebook more or less. A recent comment of mine in my status box brought on a whole raft of comments...it went something like "some of my children become my best friends while others unfriend me on facebook. It's a good thing i have so many of them."...most were condolences, being unfriended is a major deal on facebook..and some were encouraging words about what a great parent I am, staying strong, they'll come around and such. I was encouraged but was defriended by yet another kid yesterday, bringing the total to two. This one hasn't run away from home like the other one, still using my hot water and heat and abusing everything and everyone else here. I don't know if these malcontents will leave never to return, as they claim, or if the venom they have spewed out at me is displaced anger at their biological mothers and that one day they will calm down and see that I truly care about them. Either way, it is a process that I am going through to distance myself from their anger and minimize the damage to others that are still claiming to be part of the family. Their time may come also to erupt like volcanoes but they are still trying to make me their mother and this their family, so I try, by the Grace of God, to maintain some sanity around here. It isn't easy....

Well, after Aimee and I and six kids went on our 24 hour wet camping adventure, there was plenty to do today. I took Andrey and Sergey to football practice, then went by a tire place to get a price on tires. The slick front ones have to go, one leaking and one with a screw in it, which could fall out at any time. Went by the courthouse to pick up a document. Back at the house Alina and Elijah were up, fighting already. Made them some breakfast, unloaded some wet clothes from the van and the boys called to be picked up. Back to the high school again and home. The boys were sweaty and hungry, thank the Lord for leftover hamburgers from Hollywood Baptist VBS last week. They must have sent home 20 lbs. with us and the boys have actually not finished them off yet. Raymond came in from his 6-12 lifeguard shift, ate, and fell asleep on the couch. Andrey and Sergey took a shower and went to bed, I guess, I didn't see them again 'til late this afternoon.

I weighed and wormed the five kittens that we still haven't found a home for, actually i weighed them and Anya wormed. Then Anya and I hung the two wet tents and flies on the clothesline to dry.

Anya had an inspiration to move all the donkey fence so Dolly and friend could have more grass. All those corral panels and cattle panels...I almost had a heat stroke. Then I figured the barn needed shoveling out so Salvador and I removed about 6 wheelbarrow loads of manure. Alyona started mowing grass. By that time the tire place called and said they had two tires that would fit so went to town and had them put on. When I got back, the tents were dry so Anya, Alyona and I folded them up and packed them back in their bag. Why are tent bags so small? The boys appeared and wanted me to take them down to the lake to fish with the canoe. Drove them down in the pick up after they jumped it off. One of them left the key on after driving it around the yard. When I came back, Elijah wanted me to swim with him in the blobby pool. I went in with him and cleaned out leaves while he showed me how he could dive to the bottom, all 3 feet down , to pick up his spiderman, pretty good for a kid who won't wet his hair most of the time. Anya let the goats out to nibble for a while and Alyona worked with the weedeater. She is getting pretty good at it.

I cut up cantaloupe for supper and let everybody make a sandwich, except Andrey and Sergey who were still fishing, and Ray who took the motorcycle and went to play frisbee. Just got back with the fishermen. They caught 5 bass and kept one to eat. Sergey is cooking it outside on the grill. I am glad he didn't want to fry it. I just cleaned up a mountain of dirty dishes and got the kitchen..well, not clean but better.

Andrey has a football camp for the next three days and I have to take him at 6, meet Aimee to get Cameron at 7:15, Sergey to practice at 8:30..Renee's taxi service. Sometimes I think I don't do anything. It doesn't look like I do. Maybe I should write down what I do every day so I can look back and see that I wasn't sitting around watching t.v. anyway.

I'm still here. No one reads this but it makes me feel better anyway. Single mom again, too many teenagers. Makes a person more insecure to parent teenagers, like watching them teeter on the edge of a cliff. Much older and wiser than the last post.

always look back and am amazed at how stupid I can be. It is astounding that I have made it this far. Only by God's grace...

The proof

I was looking for this picture to prove that Raymond really ran in and finished the Big Red Apple 5k race and I FOUND IT. Even has his time over his head. I really need to get around to organizing pictures. I lose half of what I take in computerland.

such a sporty family

Who would have thought that Alina would be a good soccer player and Raymond would place in a 5k race? Wonders never cease. Alina and Elijah finished their soccer season and both of them are really good. Raymond surprised us all by entering the Big Red Apple race and placing in the top 15, I think, in his age group. Igor was 2nd in Regional championship cross country and is now in practice for the highschool soccer team. Andrey made it back to first string varsity football by the end of season and Sergey's jv team was undefeated. He became the kicker toward the end of the season. Salvador's u13 team is undefeated in soccer and only has 2 games left. Alyona's u13 girls soccer team is in the top 3 with 2 games to go. Anya got 5 blue ribbons for 1rst place at the practice meet the other day and has been moved up to swim with the top group. That is everybody living at home except Maria who doesn't count as a kid anymore, at least not in team sports. So many uniforms to wash.