I have hobbled along so far this summer, hard to believe this heart junk started in March and is still going on. I feel like a vampire that got the stake through the heart. It is a tiny bit better the last few days, hope this is a permanent better. Still no one knows if it is lingering results of viral pericarditis or maybe something to do with the rock or bullet or whatever it is that is stuck in the wall of my aorta from the 1970's. Gardening was a total flop, thanks to my worthlessness at anything physical, the heat and the grasshoppers. Even the little bit that I had in tubs succumbed to the heat and the munching jaws. I have tried, with the little energy that I have, to still do some fun stuff with the 5 and the grandkids. We went to Tifton for the state swim meet for Anya. Had to about drag Salvador and Alyona since they don't want to go anywhere or do anything. I almost left them home alone but then came back to my senses. They ended up having a decent time, even cheering for the Habersham team. It was miserably hot and the gnats were big enough to carry you off. Anya came home with a 4th place medal.

We went to Vogel State Park for the weekend. The 2 didn't want to go again. Ordered them to go and they ended up having a good time, even if bears did prowl around the tent both nights. Everybody but Anya played summer soccer and had a good time, even if we were at the field from 6 to 10 two nights a week. Sometimes I feel sorry for my kids..no dad, no man at all that really gives a rip about them. They are just a motley crew of mismatched kids that each have problems that drive the others crazy with an old woman that isn't even their REAL mom. Most of them went through a miserable time before they came to live with me and some of them have had some misery since. I can't blame them for being depressed and mean and lazy and wanting to hole up in the house and play video games. On the other hand, i get so angry and annoyed with them when I try to do fun stuff, get them out of the house, give them some meaningful work and they fight every inch of they way. It wears me out. Sometimes i feel like a lifeguard that is swimming around pushing people up for air and they won't even move their arms around, then going to the next one, and so on, trying to keep them all floating while they lie there and sink again. I am getting better at just doing that, feeding them healthy food, taking them places, pushing them up for air, so to speak, and just keeping on doing it. They may very well float off out of my reach and sink, like a couple of them have so far, and so be it. Those I just pray for and leave with God. These at home, too, I need to leave more in God's hands instead of getting so desperate and feeling like I HAVE to DO something to fix everybody all the time. There are a lot of things I want to do and things I want to do with them and for them. Maybe I want to do to much and that is why God has allowed this heart problem to hang on. I maybe need to let go a little and let God, as they say.